Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

Netiquette Rules bring us together. Culture creates great experiences. Share. NetworkEtiquette.net

Love who you are. Love and be what you want to be.

The Son of God had missionary supporters

When you get to the NFL, the hits are a little bit harder. That’s why I see the Chiropractor

I call it God Light, because it reminds me of heaven.

The need for bold and aggressive federal action to create jobs and restore confidence in our battered economy is clear.

A miracle happened: another day of life.

Spend plenty of time with God; let other things go, but don't neglect Him. We are not here to do work for God, we are here to be workers with Him, those through whom He can do His work.

A good creative-writing teacher can save a good writer a lot of time.

The vanity of being known to be trusted with a secret is generally one of the chief motives to disclose it.