Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

Happiness is an expression of the soul in considered actions.

You will have five hundred million little bells, and I shall have five hundred million springs of fresh water.

Salary arbitration is probably in place - was put in place then and probably is in place now - because I supported it.

Art should create an experience.

I spent many years not knowing where my dad was... Not knowing if my dad was alive, even. He turned up when I was 16 out of the blue.

We in the Senate refer to Sen. Gillibrand as the hottest member.

Sirs, I have tested your machine. It adds a new terror to life and makes death a long-felt want.

Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away.

Chant your mantra while engaged in work. This way, the mind will be continuously focused on Him.

I was a Ukrainian folk dancer in my teens, and I toured the country in 1991, shortly before the break-up of the Soviet Union.