Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

GOD is foolishness and GOD is wisdom all at the same time.

Heaven is the only place where prayers are not made.

I play out negative fantasies for people. I'm the guy people love to hate. And they always remember the bad guy.

Optimism is denial, so face the facts and move on

Dr. S. Dillon Ripley, secretary of the Smithsonian Institute, believes that in 25 years, somewhere between 75 and 80 percent of all the species of living animals will be extinct.

Survival often feels like an indignity.

I pray on the principle that wine knocks the cork out of a bottle. There is an inward fermentation, and there must be a vent.

I became the kind of parent my mother was to me.

In all things I would have the island of a man inviolate. Let us sit apart as the gods, talking from peak to peak all round Olympus. No degree of affection need invade this religion.

A brotherhood of venerable trees.