Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

Some of the most memorable paths I've taken have been detours.

Every capitalist is rich, but every rich is not a capitalist.

The sole art that suits me is that which, rising from unrest, tends toward serenity.

There is a special mystique about the marathon, for example, because of its length-but that's just the bit you do at the end of an Ironman

The men of England,- the men, I mean, of light and leading in England.

Gene Simmons planned on being a success the moment he launched himself out of his mother's womb.

People used to share things with e-mail on a massive scale. If you remember e-mail forwards from the late ’90s, it was a terrible way to share content.

In football you never know, but generally speaking, I feel more than comfortable here [in Borussia Dortmund]. There' s no place on earth I'd rather be.

I'm trying to think, don't confuse me with facts.

Hamlet at 70: "To sleep, perchance to dream. To awaken, perchance to go to the bathroom."