Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

A conscious being without free will is simply a metaphysical absurdity.

The minute you think you've got it made disaster is just around the corner.

I wonder if whoever invented World of Warcraft realizes it’s practice for sociopaths.

A smile is like an instant facelift and an instant mood lift.

Death is a confirmation of the believer's creed. For the skeptic it is discovery, immense and late.

If you think you can't, why think

To travel is to possess the world

As New Zealanders, we've been in on the United Nations from the very beginning, played a role in the drafting of the charter - it means a lot to us that those processes are followed.

I think it bespeaks a generous nature, a man who can cook.

You can't lay down laws for what people think and hope.