Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Whenever we make the choice to bring fear into the light with truth-seeking questions, we shall find soul-growing answers.

I'm always on a red carpet . . . the other day I thought, this ain't bad. You can meet people on it.

I see no clear reason why the doctrine of self-interest properly understood should turn men away from religious beliefs.

Sit and do nothing. Every once in a while a golden fish swims by and lays her golden eggs. You'll know.

It's guff. It doesn't advance the action. It makes for nice fat books such as the American market thrives on, but it doesn't actually get you anywhere.

Ignorant of the arts of luxury, the primitive Romans had improved the science of government and war.

I hold any writer sufficiently justified who is himself in love with his theme.

You have delighted us long enough.

Documentaries deal with people who live real, everyday lives. But if these people trusted us and told us the truth about their lives, it could be used against them - which sometimes happened.

We prepare for success by acquiring virtues.