Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

The future is never set in stone.

When you act strong you are truly weak. When you are soft and kind your heart is truly strong.

The shadow of scepticism is dispelled in the light of real knowledge.

The reputation of a man is like his shadow, gigantic when it precedes him, and pigmy in its proportions when it follows.

I'm a horrible drawer. I have no artistic ability in my hands.

A celebrity life can be very fast-paced, and it can be hard to find meaning in it. I believe that everyone is looking for the answers, but the answers are within ourselves.

The soul is the captain and ruler of the life of morals.

I am a friend to subordination, as most conducive to the happiness of society. There is a reciprocal pleasure in governing and being governed.

Credit leads a man into temptation. Cash down is the only thing that will deliver him from evil.

I don't think you can really, truly be the partner you want to be until you know on an absolute level that you are a complete person on your own.