Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Her quickness of mind was like a hiss, a dart, a lethal bite.

Know that blank pages feel the urge of the ink as much as tears paint a different pain, changes

so many people would be afraid to look in the mirror if the saw their character and not their face…it would be like american horror story.

The goldenrod is yellow, The corn is turning brown...The trees in apple orchardsWith fruit are bending down.

At times I come across works of mine which are soundly done and really in my style, and at such moments I find great solace.

I did a weird thing when I was about 24. For four years I had written quite a lot of poetry, and I started reading through it and thought some of it was really good. So I burnt it all.

Our repentances are generally not so much a concern and remorse for the harm we have done, as a fear of the harm we may have brought upon ourselves.

When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.

Ironically, the first thing that appealed to me about Islam was its pluralism. The fact that the Koran praises all the great prophets of the past.

The English have no exaulted sentiments. They can all be bought.