Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

It's impossible to notice how blessed you are if you are always focusing on your weaknesses and obstacles.

A leader learned to follow, and serves the followers who are learning to lead. ~T.F. Hodge

I mean, my age is just a number. So what if you were born in the era when they still used rotary phones and cassette tapes? I think it’s cute.

It's funny how we like labels. If I ever have a bookstore, I'm not going to put any labels on the sections.

If god is truly god, he is perfect, lacking nothing.

Creating fantasy is a very personal thing, but you can't take the process too personally.

The experience of Eternity right here and now, is the function of life.

The aim of all spiritual practice is love.

I bought a pair of Carpe Diem boots, which were completely unnecessary and hideously expensive, but they make me feel quite fine and dandy.

Everything I have in life comes from Knots Landing.