Comedy is the kindly contemplation of the incongruous.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

I always advise people never to give advice.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

We can change reality just from assumptions accepted as true, regardless if they could be quantifiably accepted as true through the physical

You've to close down your umbrella when you are under a canopy. Drop your pride

You're in a horse race but you're thinking like a sheep. Sheep don't win horse races.

Get action. Seize the moment. Man was never intended to become an oyster.

There is a wide difference between the original thinker and the merely learned man.

Certainly, the Windows share of servers is strong.

You can't have a people's democracy as long as corporations are considered people.

I would not be able to define my star power as I do not know what that is.

I always imagined that to bring an orchestra to play together is not enough for a conductor.

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'