Comedy is the most palliative way to make a point. People are more willing to listen if they can laugh.

My doctor said I had OCD. I couldn't believe it. I had to call him nine times to make sure.

If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car

The first time I did stand-up was on a dare.

What if obese people couldn't get married?

Joan Rivers broke down barriers, advocated for free speech, and never apologized for who she was.

Halloween is an opportunity to be really creative.

We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.

I have a nice little house in LA. Well, the bedroom is nice. I have French doors in the bedroom. They don't open unless I lick them.

For me, humor is everything!

Mother humor is such a universal theme. I wrote a show called '25 Questions for a Jewish Mother.' I had people coming up to me after the show saying, 'I'm Baptist, and my mother is just like yours.'

One shouldn't be labelled a cynic just because one refuses to believe in fairy tales.

Every puff was like sucking in the abyss, yet he inhaled until his lungs filled with toxic smoke that clouded his thoughts of her.

Timon: I’ll beat thee, but I should infect my hands.

There is more pleasure in loving than in being beloved.

Oh yeah, gossip. I heard you on the secret wireless. You know the devil's radio child.

I do not believe in miracles, I rely on them.

Certain things are complete superstition and have no validity at all in the Bible. Yeah. They're just the antithesis of everything that is correct intellectually.

The ability to relax and be mindfully present in the moment comes naturally when we are grateful.

For me, in fact, the mark of the historic is the nonchalance with which it picks up an individual and deposits him in a trend, like a house playfully moved by a tornado.

Financial struggle is often the direct result of people working all their lives for someone else.