Comedy is tragedy revisited.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Don't be afraid to let your past and present come together to create something new

There is nothing so strong or safe in an emergency of life as the simple truth.

The world of 'Sherlock Holmes' and the world that we live in now is big enough to take more than one interpretation.

Over the whole, a young lady presided, whose gloomy haughtiness as she surveyed the street, announced a deep-seated grievance against society, and an implacable determination to be avenged.

I always like my trailer or hotel room to have fresh flowers or pillows I find at a local flea market - anything to personalize the environment.

To tell an adult exactly what steps to take towards his salvation was apt to weaken him. It deprived him of his inalienable right to trial and error which was tonic to the character.

The word of God tends to make large-minded noble-minded men.

Modesty, tis a virtue not often found among poets, for almost every one of them thinks himself the greatest in the world.

No one would barbecue their family dog. Why is a cow or a pig or a chicken different?

Instead of war on poverty, they got a war on drugs so the police can bother me.