Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Sufism, " according to the Sufi, "is an adventure in living, necessary adventure.

If government half a century ago had provided us with all our dinners and breakfasts, it would be the practice of our orators today to assume the impossibility of our providing for ourselves.

Just this once, let it be easy.

Religion a stalking horse to shoot other foul.

Black and Jewish leaders have been a coalition of conscience.

When honor and truth are at odds, let truth prevail.

People don't change at their core. If you're a good person, you are a good person. What changes is our behavior.

Our children change us... whether they live or not.

You went up to be examined with the other Jewish children, your heart heavy about that matter of your nose.

If you want an active schedule, you have to husband your time so you can act on the things that are important.