Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Death was for-the other people.

You know, Becky, you haven't been the same since that crowbar fell on your head.

Do not dispute with anyone in any matter as far as possible. For in argumentation lies much harm and its evil is greater than its benefit.

And the test for any actor is whether you stay at the table or go away.

Ideas without precedent are generally looked upon with disfavor and men are shocked if their conceptions of an orderly world challenged.

I feel blessed in the knowledge that I probably belong to the last generation that will remember what we call "traditional America."

The first pork-barrel bill that crosses my desk, I'm going to veto it and make the authors of those pork-barrel items famous all over America.

I know that a Christian should be humble, but against the Pope I am going to be proud and say to him: "You, Pope, I will not have you for my boss, for I am sure that my doctrine is divine.

I'm a promoter of masturbation. Don't sleep around...learn yourself first! Guys do it, but girls don't. They should.

Those who liberated the south from Israel must show allegiance to Lebanon.