Comedy's so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn't get it, doesn't find it funny, then fine.

There's a domino effect with certain things you say.

I'm getting positive feedback for my acting so we'll see if any other interesting parts come up.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

We had a week off in the middle of shooting, but as soon as everyone stopped, we all went down with six different types of flu and other unmentionable diseases.

With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.

My forte is playing drunks down the ages. When my agent rings me about a role, I don't ask what the part is, but what century it's in.

I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.

When I wasn't as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that.

I love the way my weight fluctuates in the newspapers. It was 18 stone and then people look at a bad picture of me and add a few more stone on. I think the highest was 22 stone.

They look outside the windows of their apartment in town and realize they're not living in a terrace anymore. This is a room full of dreamers who like to go to London for a day.

All you have to do is to open your mind, do not be too hopeless instead stand with your feets and have faith that all things will be alright.

A shard of glass cut my belly as I slid into the battered SUV, but I managed to keep the family jewels intact. I’d be counting every small victory tonight.

Pride and love can't live in the same heart

I lie as truthfully as I can.

I'm no longer sceptical. I no longer have any doubt at all. I think climate change is the major challenge facing the world.

I am born hungry. Ravenous. I want to eat the world, and I can never be satiated.

Quick beleevers neede broad shoulders.

Such a lot of guns around town and so few brains!

With right attitude, life is very simple and very easy.

When I came back into show business in '88 after spending 20-odd years in the civil service, it wasn't planned.