Comedy unites, it doesn't divide!

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Be careful because brazen behavior and a powerful mind can hide a delicate heart.

Most good evangelical Study Bibles have more in common than people sometimes realize. All of them are committed to explaining the Bible to lay readers.

Youth must go ahead and prosper. These young painters are all very talented people, but they all paint frescoes.

When asked what he meant by a miracle: Oh, anything with a probability of less than 20%.

The preaching is part of the reason I don't go to church. Plus, I don't know, it was never part of my tradition.

in the synagogue of my heart... I myself jail and the jailed, I go wounded, bite-marked

The difference between humans and other mammals is that we know how to accessorize.

If I knew that the world ends tomorrow, I, even today, plant a tree

Americans are funny people: first you shock them, then they put you in a museum.