Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

You might be a redneck if...your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

There are no foreign lands. It is the traveler only who is foreign.

It was the kind of scream that would be in a horror movie right before someone got chopped up into little bitty pieces.

Silence is the sublime refuge of your divine.

Under current law, on January 1, 2013, there's going to be a massive fiscal cliff of large spending cuts and tax increases.

I do Broadway because I refuse to succumb to the stereotypical things that Hollywood does to a performer.

I just look around and say, I'm a mess. I don't know why I do things.

If all the students who slept through lectures were laid end to end, they'd all be a lot more comfortable. If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

If some people got their rights they would complain of being deprived of their wrongs.

Some are going, some are staying....i'm in between.

It is distraction, not meditation, that becomes habitual; interruption, not continuity; spasmodic, not constant toil.