Comics just don't retire. They either die young or they go to 100.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

Long ago, I stopped buying- let alone reading, books that talk about organizational success but fail to emphasize the importance of TRUST

With food still scarce, there was no longer a right to exist. You needed to earn your spot.

I always think that you should be striving to write your best song.

You're not always able to choose.

Freedom is too enormous to be slipped under a closet door.

He who is firmly seated in authority soon learns to think security, and not progress, the highest lesson in statecraft.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

Now we are flying off into outer space, there is no clear curb on what can be done in the name of the economy.

As I've gone along, I felt like I was discovering an aspect of my voice that I didn't know was there: an ability to interpret a song in a way that makes it more accessible.