Companionate Conservatism - Making the streets safer before people are kicked out onto them.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

My point, continued Rhy, is for every ten that worship you, one wants to see you burn. Those are simply the odds when it comes to people like you and I.

Good well-being leads to good working performance.

People reveal as much by their silence as they do by what they say.

I was very dirty; I was a very dirty comic. There was no way I would have gotten on TV with the act I had when I first started.

I could've missed the pain, but I would've missed the dance.

Mysterious haunts of echoes old and far, The voice divine of human loyalty.

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

I was kind of reading you know Judy Blume and stuff like that. But yeah, but I've since educated myself.

It's always night, or we wouldn't need light.

I'm not going to sit on the porch of the old anchorman's home with a drool cup.