Competition is the death of art.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

The past is as important as the future, but we only live in the here and now.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.

Our country ... when right, to be kept right. When wrong, to be put right.

If you're going to insist on being reasonable, I'm going to stop hanging with you.

You men have none of you any hearts.' 'If we have not hearts, we have eyes; and they give us torment enough.

That's Steve Howey's third-ever League goal and he's never scored more than two in a season before.

I think there is a tendency for people to get rigid and caught up in their beliefs of what is right and wrong, and they lose sight of humanity. Being human has to come first before right or wrong.

No problem, I'll get a penguin to show us

You can't get there alone. People have to help you, and I do believe in karma. I believe in paybacks. You get people to help you by telling the truth, by being earnest.

I've been born, and once is enough.