Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

In order to work with difficult outer circumstances, we need to gather our inner strength. If even ten or twenty minutes of meditation a day helps us to do this, let's go for it!

I have this sense that I didn't really start growing up until my twenties.

I have had cardiomyopathy, which is a non-coronary condition and is in no way related to diet.

A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.

Don't call me Alessandro, or this could get ugly. Oh, then may I call you Alice?

I like everything in my room has to be in order. If there's a wrinkle in the comforter, I'm stretching it out. But this is only when it comes to my room. Outside of there, I'm not as intense.

I really like the song "Only One" [ Kanye West with Paul McCartney].

That's why successful people in every field are almost universally members of a certain set - the set of people who don't give up.

There are two statements about human beings that are true: that all human beings are alike, and that all are different. On those two facts all human wisdom is founded.

Every great action is extreme when it is undertaken. Only after it has been accomplished does it seem possible to those creatures of more common stuff.