Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

it will be generally found that the popular joke is not true to the letter, but is true to the spirit. The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.

Even a foolish old woman like me knows that lazy people don't think for themselves

Now come the whispers bearing bouquets of moonbeams and sunlight tremblings.

I'm trying to get some building work done at the moment, quite seriously. Be careful.

I thought of God as being able to talk big and write *very* small.

Even if it is made up of gold, the sailing boat can go nowhere without the humble wind!

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

A good leader gets people to follow him because they want to, not because he makes them.

It has taken seas of blood to drown the idol of despotism, but the English do not think they bought their laws too dearly.

I didn't feel the Depression at all. I always had a pocketful of money.