Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

We love ourselves notwithstanding our faults, and we ought to love our friends in like manner.

Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie. (Nick)

To suffer for the faith is not a penalty

So much information lacks a good way to store it, especially when it's all digital; sometimes it requires old technology to go back and retrieve it.

I believe I would rather have Stieglitz like something - anything I had done - than anyone else I know.

I won't work with people who won't give me the freedom to be me.

Many a witty inspiration is like the surprising reunion of befriended thoughts after a long separation.

Europe by the end of this century will be a continent after the neutron bomb. The grand buildings will still be standing, but the people who built them will be gone.

I think that evolution has had a hand in selecting people who had a sense of doing something beyond themselves.

I do not believe in a personal God.