Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.

The most disgusting in the world is being unaware of who we are

Girls, we're fiction editors--we know how to plot, and we know how to cover our tracks. We can teach Jerry Key a lesson he'll never forget.

Business opportunities are like buses, there's always another one coming.

I'm definitely a morning person. I wake up dead happy, looking forward to having my cereal!

Equality consists in the same treatment of similar persons.

It is a great comfort to know that our judge will be none other than our savior.

I love to see people's faces change when they hear me speak English and they realize how far I have been able to go.

Stepping back from running [Donald Trump] positions is meaningless from a conflict of interests perspective. The presidency is a full-time job and he would have had to step back anyway.

I'm sure I will cause tremendous seismic shifts in the culture again.