Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

There is no happiness in love, except at the end of an English novel.

You are a sweet ocean of love. Invite everyone to come to your shore to feel the joy of life.

Our efforts make the world go around.

Committing your thoughts and feelings to words is like putting your soul on a plate and hoping the diners will like what they eat.

I wouldn't want to stay in any place for longer than 10 years, honestly. It's good to travel and see what's happening in the world.

Don't worry. They're all against me. But I have one advantage: they don't know what they want. I do.

Ultimately, I'm fine with everything that I've done.

Imprecision is tolerable and verisimilar in literature, because we always tend towards it in life.

Better to have an open enemy, than hidden friends.

Help, master, help! here's a fish hangs in the net, like a poor man's right in the law; 'twill hardly come out.