Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Your Eyes Travel a Thousand Miles, But your mind will travel even more

A string of thoughts run through my head like a song I can't get rid of, over and over in the same order: I am broken. I am a fraud. I am impossible to love.

She is drowned already, sir, with salt water, though I seem to drown her remembrance again with more.

In life, we are all playing the game of thrones one way or the other

It's surprising how hard we'll work when the work is done just for ourselves.

Grilled cheese and tomato soup is the ultimate comfort meal.

Public order is a fragile thing, and if you don't fix the first broken window, soon all the windows will be broken.

Lastly, waging war against good people is bad for the soul. This may not seem important to you now, but it's the most important thing I've said.

I don't think the subject of a documentary film should be producers on it.

When I moved to L.A., I was penniless, absolutely beyond broke and in debt up to my eyeballs.