Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

A man of courage never wants weapons.

People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning.

Bow to your sensei. Bow to your sensei!

I don't think I am evangelical in my work.

Everyone thinks that having a talent is a matter of luck; no one thinks that luck could be a matter of talent.

I'm not afraid of death. That is the greatest mystery of all. That'll be it, that one. But it is all a race against time.

Even if you've had a negative effect on others in the past, you can turn that around and make your impact a positive one.

I would like better colouration of my legs, like a little less of that English mottled purple thing that makes it necessary to wear tights all the time.

I was going to be a writer. One person believed I could do it: my mom. Having her faith in me was like carrying around the Hammer of Thor.

Sympathy one receives for nothing, envy must be earned.