Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Seriously, who curses you with their dying breath and says, I hope your eye twitches!

Me and Matt love to argue, but in general our sense of humor is pretty much alike.

To think of the part one little woman can play in the life of a man, so that to renounce her may be a very good imitation of heroism, and to win her may be a discipline.

In all ages, far back into prehistory, we find human beings have painted and adorned themselves.

God does not need our money. But you and I need the experience of giving it

I grew up playing classical piano and percussion.

They're really competitive at drama in Texas.

You’re not looking at Morris Cerullo; you’re looking at God; you’re looking at Jesus.

when love is strong enough it can even cause Fate to change her course

Slice him where you like, a hellhound is always a hellhound.