Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.

Undertake not what you cannot perform but be careful to keep your promise.

I have to trust what I do and then do it.

Everybody likes compliment.

I believe my speed begins when I round first base.

The church is God's vineyard.

To sink a six-foot putt with thirty million people looking over your shoulder, convince yourself that, if you miss it, you will be embarrassed and poor.

I'm not a sexy person. I'm OK with it. I've never been the sexy girl. Whenever I've had a boyfriend, he's always been like, 'Oh, you're cute.'

WAIT TILL THEY SEE THESE ARMS IN AFRICA. THEY LOOK BIG ENOUGH TO ME

One of the things that I've been doing over the past few years is reevaluating my own powers of political analysis.