Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

There ain't no haints in Detroit.

A real dog, beloved and therefore pampered by his mistress, is a lamentable spectacle. He suffers from fatty degeneration of his moral being.

I love traveling. I like to keep moving. I love the big open spaces in America.

I always say nothing you can imagine is totally impossible. It might be unlikely, but that's as far as I'll go.

In the field of world policy; I would dedicate this nation to the policy of the good neighbor.

Old age is the supreme evil, for it deprives man of all pleasures while allowing his appetites to remain, and it brings with it every possible sorrow. Yet men fear death and desire old age.

There is one Metallica. We have many styles, it's called Metallica.

The normal economic system works itself.

I've always been an avid reader. Everyone in my family read a lot. Considering we were from a little town, we were pretty literate.

In England, I was a Cockney actor. In America, I was an actor.