Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

There are questions that you don't ask because you're afraid of the answers to them.

The most powerful force that can transform an enemy into a friend is simple kindness.

You have to recognize your inability to love before you can love the way God loves. His version of love is unfamiliar to the natural world

Exquisitely painful, isn't it? Not being sure who you love and who loves you.

The more unknowable the mystery, the more beautiful it is.

Marketing is for companies who have sucky products.

It were a journey like the path to heaven, To help you find them.

My father was a classical musician and my mother was a writer.

The hardest struggle of all is to be something different from what the average man is.

Fishing is a pleasure of retirement, yet the angler has the power to let the fish live or die.