Cribbage, n. A substitute for conversation among those to whom nature has denied ideas.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Difficult roads always end up in beautiful DESTINATION.

To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.

Worry is just imagination used in an unproductive way.

Fear is a thief. It robbed Peter of a perfectly good walk on water, & kept the other eleven in the boat.

If you’re a black Christian, you have a real short memory.

Even when we get what we addictively want, our wanting to keep things that way automatically creates a new addiction.

Love is not an option. It's the choice of an idiot who wants to end with nothing, robbed and abused and humiliated.

The first casualty in every war is truth.

I am a nihilist because I still believe in truth.

The politics of crime is not about a party's record or a candidates proposals, but about perceived character and values.