DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Love is divine and pure.

Telling yourself you like the way you look is easy. Believing it is an entirely different kettle of whales.

Josephus is the first historian to make note of Jesus having even existed – and that happened six full decades after his death.

What if the Sun says that I am bored of doing the same tasks again and again everyday.

My mom taught me this really great beauty tip. She used to put oil or mayonnaise on the bottom half of her hair before she would shower.

No religion, I'm just so explicit, I coexist in places you would never know existed.

Nature hides her secrets because of her essential loftiness, but not by means of ruse.

Most TV shows don't reward you for paying attention.

When a Man is tried of London, he is tired of life.

The way of the parkour is to continue, not to stay here.