DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

The life and passion of a person leave an imprint on the ether of a place. Love does not remain within the heart, it flows out to build secret tabernacles in a landscape.

A dead man is the worst enemy alive, I thought. You can't alter his power over you. You can't alter what you love or owe. And it's too late to ask him for his absolution. He has beaten you all ways.

Jennifer Merrick had stored all her tears inside her, and her pride and courage would never permit her to break down and shed them.

I don't much care where I am anymore, nor expect very much from places.

It tastes like somebody stole my wallet. Ya know?

Nature even in chaos cannot proceed otherwise than regularly and according to order.

Art doesn't want to be familiar. It wants to astonish us. Or, in some cases, to enrage us. It wants to move us. To touch us. Not accommodate us, make us comfortable.

My biggest thing is banana pudding, but it's the devil! So no one is allowed to bring it into my house. Because I can't control myself. So why put it in my domain?

Women liked me because I made them laugh.

No two people can see the world in the same way. No matter what you’re looking at, no one is seeing it the same way you are.