Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Their friendship was like a wilted bunch of flowers that she insisted on topping up with water. Why not let it die instead? It was unrealistic to expect a friendship to last forever…

Book knowledge takes action based on reasons

The greatest pride, or the greatest despondency, is the greatest ignorance of one's self.

Custom is the most certain mistress of language, as the public stamp makes the current money.

I try to read, but my attention span is so bad, and ever since Netflix was invented, that's all I do in my spare time, which is really bad, but it's like a chore to read for me.

Life for most people is a bad dream. They live in pain, grabbing at what they can for pleasure. As they grow old, they despair. Things don't work out the way you planned.

The wittiest authors evoke a barely perceptible smile.

You mustn't take what I say as gospel because no one can second-guess the future.

I want to race as long as I'm having fun, it's competitive and healthy, and who knows when that, you know, date comes when that's not happening anymore.

Being the first is old media, while being to the point is new media. And Twitter never forgets.