Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

Cycling, like masturbation, is fun and easy to do - sometimes all day long.

When I looked at the third base coach, he turned his back on me.

I don't like top hats, white ties, and tails.

From age to age an enlightened person comes along, one who has made friends with God. They're usually forgotten or scorned.

I saw that worrying had come to nothing and gave it up. And took my old body and went out into the morning, and sang.

I can't stand people that do not take food seriously.

I can't remember a time when I wasn't trying to get something down on paper.

Life is an unanswered question, but let's still believe in the dignity and importance of the question.

Well, I've got two small children and this is a very important time for me to be around them.

Usually kids who are talented have the brashness to think they can do anything, but they don't often get the chance to see how close they can come.