David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere - his car drove itself.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

In patience endurance, we know the faith of being.

The key to failure is, lack of self discipline.

Most people have no imagination. If they could imagine the sufferings of others, they would not make them suffer so.

Talk of the abuses of slavery! Humbug! The thing itself is the essence of all abuse!

There was part of me that wanted to see the world and travel to distant places, but I could only do it in my imagination, so I read ferociously and imagined things.

The fact is that the Chinese are taking advantage of America. And by the way, the Chinese can't even believe that they're getting away with it.

I'm not into being competitive. I never saw myself as a competitive type of person.

Cultivators of the earth are the most virtuous and independent citizens.

If you have this passion for music, you don't stop doing it - it chooses you and doesn't release you.

Hurry and fear will instantly cut your connect with the universal mind.