[Deadpool] is definitely squirm-inducing. It's a pretty hard R, violence-wise. But cartoony, also. Maybe fast-forward through to torture scenes.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

You have such faith, ” he tells me. “Let it be bigger than your fears.

The dawn of beauty always comes after night.

Fine Things are reservoirs for the heart.

As we give presents at Christmas, we need to recognize that sharing our time and ourselves is such an important part of giving.

Access to quality education has enabled me to reach far beyond the Bangladeshi village I grew up in.

I don't watch it, but I know enough to comment on it.

We will glorify war-the world's only hygiene, milliterism, patriotism , the destructive gesture of freedom-bringers, beautiful ideas worth dying for, and scorn for woman

I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I'm the guy who gets stuck in the revolving door and thinks I should write about that.

Pixie, kobold, elf, and sprite, All are on their rounds tonight; In the wan moon's silver ray, Thrives their helter-skelter play.

This is nothing. The last couple of batches of [Hillary Clinton's] emails have revealed exactly nothing. Now, who is pushing this notion that there was a quid pro quo in the State Department?