Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

The stars will live for me, if not anything else

The thing that makes you say, "I want to do something" - that is the beginning of talent.

One of the things I've learned about vision is people will grab it mentally or, have a crab mentality.

Any fighter didn't like Muhammad Ali should have his head examined.

In terms of doing things I take a fairly scientific approach to why things happen and how they happen. I don't know if there's a god or not, but I think religious principles are quite valid.

I can't understand Karl Marx, so how can I be a Communist?

Who can I turn to? Who can I trust?

If you must work for money, find a way to work and be happy. That is financial intelligence.

It wasn't until after private lessons and learning bass lines that I even noticed bass in the music I was listening to at that age. My ears were blown wide open.

People are becoming more intimately acquainted with people who are different than them - it's not so unusual anymore.