Deep within the heart of every evangelist lies the wreck of a car salesman.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

Those guys who want to have the Mohawk...which, to me, is the new business casual.

The steady expansion of welfare programs can be taken as a measure of the steady disintegration of the Negro family structure over the past generation in the United States.

I'm a former federal prosecutor, I've fought terrorists and won and when we get back in the White House we will fight terrorists and win again and America will be safe.

Laugh till you weep. Weep till there's nothing left but to laugh at your weeping. In the end it's all one.

A charming fellow, and so clever: he models himself on me.

I do know I want to have children. That's the only thing missing in my life. I certainly thought I'd have some by now.

The satirist isn't just looking at things ironically but militantly - he wants to change them, and intends to have an effect on the world.

I just want to keep creating stuff, work regularly and learn how to use a computer properly.

Don't fall in love with politicians, they're all a disappointment. They can't help it, they just are.

The most powerful place you can come from is just having a really deep knowing of who you are and what you want for yourself.