Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

I believe the United States should allow all foreigners in this country, provided they can speak our native language... Apache.

Be so good they can't ignore you.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.

Relationships end, but they don't end your life.

Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

The trombone is not meant for romance... any instrument that hawks up it's own loogie every ten minutes is not meant for wooin' the ladies.

Some consider UNIX to be the second most important invention to come out of AT&T Bell Labs after the transistor.

Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.

Preventing terrorist attacks is of the highest important, but trashing the Constitution is not the right way to do it.

I've often sat down with people talking about a film I've been in, and they haven't realized I was in it.

Habits are the daughters of action, but then they nurse their mother, and produce daughters after her image, but far more beautiful and prosperous.

Only those who have learned well to be earnestly dissatisfied with themselves, and to be confounded with shame at their wretchedness truly understand the Christian gospel.

I think my kids are pretty well-rounded citizens of the world.

If thou rise with an Appetite, thou art sure never to sit down without one.