Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

The moment we decide our purpose is to win is the moment we lose.

I took a step back, shaking my head, wishing I could place a gnarly black hex on him. My daddy taught me better than that.

My make-up artist, she uses bronzer on the eyelids too. And also a little bit on the forehead to make everything look even.

You'd hear Willie Nelson, then Earth, Wind & Fire, then Chicago, then Billy Joel on the same radio station. Nowadays, everything is compartmentalized.

We can push Montana forward and we can do it with out raising taxes.

If you want to meet girls, by far the best method is to carry a baby or a puppy.

When a man dies he kicks the dust.

You don't have to patronize your audience, and you can mix art and commerce in a profound way. You can simultaneously play to the sophisticated, 60-year-old theatergoers and to 4-year-olds.

When we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city...

A modern civilization is only possible when it is accepted that singular beings exist and express themselves freely.