Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

The incentive for a religious person turning into an atheist is to have a better and happier life

Because you are alive, everything is possible.

Caring for children is a dance between setting appropriate limits as caretakers and avoiding unnecessary power struggles that result in unhappiness.

Who would dare assert that we know all there is to be known?

He submits himself to be seen through a microscope, who suffers himself to be caught in a fit of passion.

Be careful crossing above the waterfall, it's a fatal spot.

The rewards for being sane may not be very many, but knowing what's funny is one of them.

For many, immaturity is an ideal, not a defect.

What son would not bring his mother back to life and would not bring her into paradise after her death if he could?