Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

How does it feel to be seven thousand years old?""That depends.""On what?""On how I want to feel.

I want to be humbled. I want to meet people more messed up than I am. I want to get lost and come out the other end having no idea who I am.

Night gangsters! For this crime I will exact a thousand fold revenge!

We get sick because of something inside going wrong! We get well because of something inside going right!

Love is dangerous, if you know it's dangerous, that makes you treasure it, and you'll work harder to keep it.

Inspiration is highly overrated. If you sit around and wait for the clouds to part, it's not liable to ever happen. More often than not, work is salvation.

In modern Britain the most dangerous place to be is in your mother's womb. It should be a place of sanctity.

I actually believe in denial.

One day these will just be memories that I haveso I try to enjoy it as much as possible

There is no need to smear my name or to defame my character for the sake of news.