Depressions may bring people closer to the church but so do funerals.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president. I'm beginning to believe it.

True patriotism hates injustice in its own land more than anywhere else.

You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man's freedom.

I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.

The law does not pretend to punish everything that is dishonest. That would seriously interfere with business.

I don't believe in God because I don't believe in Mother Goose.

A criminal is someone without the capital to incorporate

I am not afraid of any god in the universe who would send me or any other man or woman to hell. If there were such a being, he would not be a god; he would be a devil.

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.

Lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for.

We are spirits deceived by the sky to create light and trade our souls to the sun but fail to become galaxies when it's dark

You must learn to be still in the midst of activity and to be vibrantly alive in repose.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

I'm dying, but otherwise I'm in very good health.

I don't think I will write anything that could be even remotely considered a genre novel from this point on. I think I've graduated.

Why accept failure when success is free?

I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.

Those that have an attitude of service towards others are the beauty of society.

In the wake of Animal House, all of us at the Lampoon had a lot of Hollywood opportunities. We could definitely get people to return phone calls.

Plans made swiftly and intuitively are likely to have flaws. Plans made carefully and comprehensively are sure to.