Despite Russia's move to raise interest rates this week, the value of the ruble has continued to crash. Russia's economy is so bad, Edward Snowden had to put government secrets on Craigslist.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

I am a relationship phoenix: I crash and burn and then I rise and start again.

Learn soon...Reach moon by bus, if you late ...they will kike you out

My bed is the magical place I love to overthink like a PSYCHO.

Leaders can hold onto busyness like a weapon of protection.

No, no, no, I've just grown up too much to be hurt by what people's opinion of my love life is.

Music is a right, but only for those who deserve it!

I see woefully obscure poetry as simply a kind of verbal rudeness.

All of a Christian's life is one of repentance.

The people in Cuba, they know what I stand for, and there's a lot of people in Cuba that stand for the same. But they can't say it.

I've worked with many powerful men in the music industry.