Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, he said, BUT I COULD MURDER A CURRY.

A hammer shatters glass but it also forges steel.

Greed is merely a species of nearsightedness.

Postulates are based on assumption and adhered to by faith. Nothing in the Universe can shake them.

To how many girls has a great beauty been of no other use but to make them expect a large fortune!

Why does one always ask a writer why they stopped? I am sure everyone finds in any drawer a few dear poems.

Creativity has nothing to do with creating something, creativity is simply the presence of God.

There are so many glamorous actresses, but you know what? In the real world, nobody looks like that.

I think if you're going to show a true representation of any one life, it can't be about any one thing. I try to see more of a full picture, with the romance just a single part.

The best of what we do and are, Just God, forgive!