Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Say you want to live life like a movie.Keep in mind there’s a running time.

I've always liked older ladies. I'm comfortable with it. They seem to be nice. They've seen it all.

There is nothing to encourage. The Iranians should just stay away from us.

A man of independent judgment is a man of profound self-esteem.

I lied on my Weight Watchers list. I put down that I had 3 eggs... but they were Cadbury chocolate eggs.

I wanted to be a certain kind of woman. I became that kind of woman.

There is nothing so fleeting as the memory of benefits received.

You don't want to take the world over with a whole hamper full of dirty clothes. That's the main thing people overlook. And take a shower, take a bath every day.

An Oscar is a total honor. It's thrilling, and on the one hand, it means a lot of things, and on the other hand, it doesn't really mean anything. It's a moment in time.

It could not always be love in the afternoon and passion in the night, gifts given, notes written, meals fed to each other. It can't all be like that.