Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

A man does not consist of memory alone. He has feeling, will, sensibility, and moral being.

femelu could not understand this, her mother’s ability to tell herself stories about her reality that did not even resemble her reality

Tell me why.” My voice shook. “Tell me right now.

Stephen Douglas's oratory was designed for the galleries, Lincoln's for his peers

What characterized the whole punk scene for me in 1977 was there was no racism or sexism. It was an anarchy of -isms, and a matter of abolishing it all.

Jerry Goldsmith is the #1 composer working now. He's open to new ideas and always inventing.

When you touch me, good God.

My parents were divorcing, and I think at certain times of your life you do attract the wrong type of person. You don't know any better, and you don't know how you'd like to be treated.

The only reason you get drafted or even looked at by the NFL is because they believe you can play at the next level ... if they believe I can do that, you know I believe I can do it.

The streams with softest sound are flowing, The grass you almost hear it growing, You hear it now, if e'er you can.