Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Game shows are designed to make us feel better about the random, useless facts that are all we have left of our education.

Your transformation will be the miracle.

Wrapped up in him, in his bad boy ways and his good guy heart, is my whole world. Somehow, while I wasn’t looking, I fell. And I fell hard. For my soul mate. For the love of my life. For my hero.

I've always been famous, it's just no one knew it yet.

I discipline churchgoers with godly lessons and sharp words if they do not change their ways. My goal is to open their hearts so that they seek forgiveness.

Unreal. I'm feeling nostalgic for something that happened less than twenty-four hours ago. This has got to be a record.

The power of the state stops at our skins. They can't restrict contraception [or] abortion. They can't take our kidneys. Bodily integrity is a principle.

Riches should come as the reward for hard work, preferably by one's forebears

Shallow believers prefer a shallow God.

And better had they ne'er been born, Who read to doubt, or read to scorn.